Advent – Dec 25

December 25 –

“Lord, now you are letting your servant depart in peace,
      according to your word;
for my eyes have seen your salvation
     that you have prepared in the presence of all peoples,
a light for revelation to the Gentiles,
      and for glory to your people Israel.”

And his father and his mother marveled at what was said about him.  And Simeon blessed them and said to Mary his mother, “Behold, this child is appointed for the fall and rising of many in Israel, and for a sign that is opposed (and a sword will pierce through your own soul also), so that thoughts from many hearts may be revealed.”

Last night was the Christmas Eve service at our church.  It was the most crowded we’ve been.  So many out of town family members.  So many guests from the community.  So many friends and neighbors both of ours and of other members. 

It was the second Christmas Eve service without Ilona.  This morning is the second Christmas without Ilona.  I sit in my office waiting for others to wake.  All of my other children are asleep.  I worry sometimes that they think that Ilona has become our favorite.  Not at all.  But she is unique among them.  When the first goes to college or moves away, it is hard not to give extra attention or get a little more excited when you see that child.  When one child dies, it is hard not to focus so much on the gaping aching hole left in your heart. 

“There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket – safe, dark, motionless, airless – it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.”  ― C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

To borrow C.S. Lewis’ idea, to have a child is to have your heart broken.  Each of my children has broken my heart at different times and in different ways throughout their lives.  Mostly when they were younger.  This heartbreak does not feel as if it will mend anytime soon.  It is nothing she can repent of.  It is nothing she can undo.  A sword has pierced the souls of her mother and me. 

Yet.  Yet.  Yet, The One who pierced the soul of Mary, conquered death and hell on behalf of my sweet Ilona.  If there is a celebration in heaven over the birth of the Savior, hers is a more complete celebration.  I won’t claim it is fully complete.  I wonder if there is at least longing if not sorrow in heaven.  The martyrs long for justice according to Revelation.  The Spirit longs for creation’s full redemption according to Romans 8. 

And so We turn back round to the bells we began with on December 1^st. 

a dear friend drew this picture for us for Christmas. We love it!

The bells of Christmas Day

Christmas Bells
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, 1807–1882

I heard the bells on Christmas Day
Their old, familiar carols play,
    And wild and sweet
    The words repeat
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

And thought how, as the day had come,
The belfries of all Christendom
    Had rolled along
    The unbroken song
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

Till ringing, singing on its way,
The world revolved from night to day,
    A voice, a chime,
    A chant sublime
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

Then from each black, accursed mouth
The cannon thundered in the South,
    And with the sound
    The carols drowned
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

It was as if an earthquake rent
The hearth-stones of a continent,
    And made forlorn
    The households born
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

And in despair I bowed my head;
“There is no peace on earth,” I said;
    “For hate is strong,
    And mocks the song
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!”

Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:
“God is not dead, nor doth He sleep;
    The Wrong shall fail,
    The Right prevail,
With peace on earth, good-will to men.”

God is not dead, nor does he sleep.  Wrong will fail.  Right will prevail.  And so I will wait. Sometimes with hope.

Advent 2023 – Dec 24

December 23? 24? –

Your dead shall live; their bodies shall rise.
     You who dwell in the dust, awake and sing for joy!
For your dew is a dew of light,
     and the earth will give birth to the dead. –Isaiah 26.19

No more shall there be in it
     an infant who lives but a few days,
     or an old man who does not fill out his days,
for the young man shall die a hundred years old,
     and the sinner a hundred years old shall be accursed. –Isaiah 65.20

They shall not labor in vain
     or bear children for calamity,
for they shall be the offspring of the blessed of the LORD,
     and their descendants with them.
Before they call I will answer;
     while they are yet speaking I will hear. –Isaiah 65.23-24

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love he predestined us for adoption to himself as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved. –Ephesians 1.3-6

I did not write yesterday.  It is now 11:21 Christmas Eve.  I doubt this will be posted before Christmas day, but it will be a Christmas Eve thought.  And also a fourth Sunday of Advent thought, since those coincide this year.

The fourth Sunday of Advent celebrates the love of God that the Messiah brought. 

Why would love need remembering during Advent?  Isn’t love what we celebrate at Christmas?  What is the love of God for mankind? For his people?  John tells us that God loved the world so much that he sent his one and only Son.  Too often we associate holiness and wrath with the Father and love and forgiveness with the Son. 

But the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit are one in their power and their glory and their affections.  What the Father loves, the Son loves, and the Spirit loves. 

How does any of this help in times of sorrow? Times of loss?

God’s love is unchanging.  His plans cannot be thwarted by sin or Satan or death itself.  God did not lose Ilona when I lost Ilona.  God was not undone by this tragedy in our life.  He loves Ilona the same today as he did last September 19^th, as he did August 29^th back in 1999, as he did before the foundations of the world were laid.  There can be comfort and help in this truth.  And his love for me is as unchanging.  Unchangeable. 

We spent the day today with Ilona’s boyfriend.  He would have been her husband by now.  We worshiped together. We went to the graveside together. We wept together. We ate and laughed together.  It was good to be together with him, even if only for the day. 

Hope, Peace, Joy, Love

I realized this week that the benediction in Romans 15 is nearly an Advent benediction, with three of the four focuses.

“Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.”

Advent 2023 – Dec 22

December 22 – Here I raise my Ebenezer

From there he moved to the hill country on the east of Bethel and pitched his tent, with Bethel on the west and Ai on the east. And there he built an altar to the LORD and called upon the name of the LORD. –Genesis 12.8

So Abram moved his tent and came and settled by the oaks of Mamre, which are at Hebron, and there he built an altar to the LORD. –Genesis 13.18

And when they came to the region of the Jordan that is in the land of Canaan, the people of Reuben and the people of Gad and the half-tribe of Manasseh built there an altar by the Jordan, an altar of imposing size. -Joshua 22.10

Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between Mizpah and Shen and called its name Ebenezer; for he said, “Till now the LORD has helped us.” –1 Samuel 7.12

Today we put up our Christmas tree.  Two Christmas trees, to be accurate.  We have an ornament tradition.  Every year we buy the kids ornaments.  Some of their grandparents do also.  It fills our tree with many memories, but it also builds a little starter kit for them when they move out and start their own Christmas traditions.  We packed Máire’s and gave them to her before her first married Christmas.  We didn’t know what to do with Ilona’s.  So, my sister bought us a second tree last year.  A smaller tree.  A tree just for Ilona’s ornaments.  We’ve asked her grandparents to continue the tradition.  It’s a beautiful tree.  It’s an awful tree.  I cried when we were decorating it.  I cried as we decorated the regular tree. 

I love that some of the Israelites built an altar of remembrance that others misunderstood as an idolatrous altar.  They just wanted to make sure they did not forget.  In 1 Samuel it is called an ebenezer.  A stone of remembrance.  Remember what God has done.  Remember the gift God gave to us in Ilona.  Remember the love she had (and has) for her Savior.  Remember the joy she was to us. 

The two trees are just about all we can bring ourselves to do for Christmas decorations.  It is another time of in-your-face joy, that we can handle in other peoples’ homes, just not in our own.  We are not excluding joy.  We just can’t look it in the eyes yet.  Joy is allowed in.  We will feel it when we are all together Christmas Eve and all day Christmas.  We will feel it when we are singing about our Savior’s birth.  But we need to be able to take it in on our own terms right now.  In small doses.  In peripheral glances.  In little things. 

But the two trees are up.  Ebenezers.  Altars (not for idols or worship).  Markers to remind us.  Thus far has the Lord helped us, carried us, cared for us. 

Advent 2023 – Dec 21

December 21 – A dark day

When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in his spirit and greatly troubled.  And he said, “Where have you laid him?” They said to him, “Lord, come and see.” Jesus wept.  So, the Jews said, “See how he loved him!” –John 11.33-36

Are your wonders known in the darkness,
     or your righteousness in the land of forgetfulness? –Psalm 88.12

If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,
     and the light about me be night,”
even the darkness is not dark to you;
     the night is bright as the day,
     for darkness is as light with you. –Psalm 139.11-12

Today is the darkest day of the year, at least in my hemisphere.  I wrote of it last year also.  Less daylight today than any other day.  The first day of winter.  Winter Solstice. 

Today Ilona’s headstone was installed.  It seems appropriate on the darkest day of the year.  It felt like we were burying her all over again. 

I won’t post pictures of it here, as many of her loved ones would want to see it first in person. 

Three things keep circling around in my head.  In my heart.  All three expressed in the verses above.

One – Jesus weeps at the graveside of those he loves.  Jesus – the Resurrection and the Life – wept over death.  Jesus – who knew better than any of us that he had come to right this wrong – wept beside his friend Mary and the friends of his dead friend.  Jesus – who knew that there were still more chapters on this side of the grave for his friend Lazarus – wept for his friend Lazarus.

Two – Does Jesus still see? Does he still weep? Does he tsk tsk and shake his head and wonder why I am not over this yet? “Likewise, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words” (Romans 8.26). If the Spirit of Christ groans still today with me and for me over the broken fallen creation, does Jesus still groan?  When darkness overwhelms and in the land of forgetfulness I forget the good news, will Jesus come to me? What if I am not looking for him.  Will he look for me?

Three – When I am certain that this darkness is going to swallow me whole and hide from goodness and life, or at least hide goodness and life from me, Jesus sees.  Even when I make my bed in the depths of this hell we are living, he is there.  He is here.  He sees. He knows. He cares.  He is the good shepherd who tracks down the lost sheep.  No need for NODs, this Rescuer.  I am as visible to him now in my darkness as ever I was when all felt right, when all was light. 

I must cling to the first and the third today.  Otherwise, the second will overpower me.  I wondered a couple days ago if I was done with weeping.  Not done with tears.  Just weeping.  Perhaps my sorrow had dropped to a simmer.  At her graveside today I wept again.  I do not know when weeping will end in this night of our existence.  I wait and hope for the dawn when Christ raises Ilona and wakes me with the joy of his morning. 

Advent 2023 – Dec 20

December 20 – A distant star, a single candle

For the Lord will not
     cast off forever,
but, though he cause grief, he will have compassion
     according to the abundance of his steadfast love;
for he does not afflict from his heart
     or grieve the children of men. –Lamentations 3.31-33

It is the middle line of the middle chapter of Lamentations.  Lamentations is 5 chapters long, each chapter is a funeral elegy.  Elegy, not eulogy.  A eulogy is a speech or writing offered in praise of a person, usually deceased.  An elegy is a poem or song of mourning for a person, usually deceased.

Five elegies.  Five songs of mourning.  Songs 1-4 are acrostics.  1, 2, and 4 each are 22 verses long.  Songs 1 and 2 are made up of verses three lines long, with the first line beginning with the next letter in the Hebrew alphabet.  If they were an English poem, they would look like A – -, B – -, C – -, etc. The fourth song differs by only containing two lines per stanza (A -, B -, C -, etc.)  The third song is 66 verses long because each line in the three-line stanzas begins with the letter. So, A A A, B B B, C C C, etc.  The fifth song is still 22 verses long but only one line per verse and no longer an acrostic.  I believe the songs getting shorter and abandoning the orderliness of the acrostic is itself a statement on grief.  It does not always flow in a predictable orderly manner.

All that to explain what I stated at the beginning.  Verses 31-33 are the middle three verses of the middle song of mourning.  They are beautiful.  They are hopeful.  The Lord has compassion (to suffer with).  The Lord feels our suffering and grieves our losses with us.  The Lord has abundant steadfast love.  The Lord does not afflict us from his heart.  God’s default setting, if you will, is compassion and steadfast love, not affliction.

This is amazing.  This is good news.  Also, this is not my point.  Not really. 

Five laments.  Five elegies.  Five songs of loss and grief and mourning.  And in the middle a pin prick of hope.

Amy and I used to assume, and maybe you do to, that the normal operating level of life is joy, peace, contentment, pleasantness.  Certainly, hard things happen, but those are dips in the road, anomalies intended to make you more grateful, but not the way itself.  As it has been said, “grief is a place to visit, not a place to live.”

What if that is backwards?  What if blessings on earth are a kind mercy that are out of the ordinary in a fallen world?  What if, when Paul says that hope that you can see is not really hope, he meant it? 

The offer of Hope when life is going well is unnecessary.

The offer of Peace during times of peace is odd.

The offer of Joy during glad and happy days is confusing.

The hope and peace and joy of Advent are for those who dwell in the land of deep darkness.  On them, a light has shone.

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.  He was in the beginning with God.  All things were made through him, and without him was not any thing made that was made.  In him was life, and the life was the light of men.  The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it. –John 1.1-5

The people who walked in darkness
     have seen a great light;
those who dwelt in a land of deep darkness,
     on them has light shone. –Isaiah 9.2

Advent 2023 – Dec 19

December 19 – Rejoicing in God because he sees and knows

In you, O LORD, do I take refuge;
      let me never be put to shame;
      in your righteousness deliver me!
Incline your ear to me;
      rescue me speedily!
Be a rock of refuge for me,
      a strong fortress to save me!
For you are my rock and my fortress;
      and for your name’s sake you lead me and guide me;
you take me out of the net they have hidden for me,
      for you are my refuge.
Into your hand I commit my spirit;
      you have redeemed me, O LORD, faithful God.
I hate those who pay regard to worthless idols,
      but I trust in the LORD.
I will rejoice and be glad in your steadfast love,
      because you have seen my affliction;
      you have known the distress of my soul,
and you have not delivered me into the hand of the enemy;
      you have set my feet in a broad place.
Be gracious to me, O LORD, for I am in distress;
      my eye is wasted from grief;
      my soul and my body also.
For my life is spent with sorrow,
      and my years with sighing;
my strength fails because of my iniquity,
      and my bones waste away. –Psalm 31.1-10

As we approach our second Christmas without Ilona, I find more and more the fleeting nature of the joys this world has to offer.  There is joy in this world, don’t get me wrong. After all, God created this world and everything in it and even called it very good.  The joy of this creation is a reflection of the joy we can find in God, but it is not a reflection as in a mirror.  More like a reflection that is in a foggy window or a rippling pond.  You can see that something is being reflected, but you can’t quite make it out.  Or maybe better out, it is like a light being reflected on a piece of glass.  The glass has no light of its own but only shines when the light source is on it. 

I was looking at the moon this evening and remembering this truth.  Without the sun, the beauty and glory of the moon would not exist.  At least we would not experience it. 

The glories and joys of this world are empty if they are not reflections of the truer glory, the source of glory.  We actually rob things of this world of their intended majesty when we try to enjoy them disconnected from their Source. 

And what happens when those lesser joys are extinguished?  A child must wait to get over a cold just so that he can have brain surgery.  New parents cannot take their newborn home after forty hours of labor, because his gall bladder is not functioning the way doctors had hoped.  A first Christmas without a husband of over fifty years.  What should have been a first Christmas with a young wife is now the second Christmas without her. 

Be gracious to me, O LORD, for I am in distress;
my eye is wasted from grief;
my soul and my body also.
For my life is spent with sorrow,
and my years with sighing;
my strength fails because of my iniquity,
and my bones waste away.

Where does a person find joy when this is his lot?

I will rejoice and be glad in your steadfast love,
because you have seen my affliction;
you have known the distress of my soul.

I can rejoice because God sees me.  God knows me.  God loves me. 

To be loved and not seen is shallow and meaningless.

To be seen and not loved is every person’s greatest fear.

God sees.  God knows.  God loves. 

Amazing that the answer comes early in the psalm.  The struggle continues throughout.  To be reminded of the true light does not mean you must deny your fears or doubts or struggles. 

God sees.  God knows.  God loves.

Advent 2023 – Dec 18

December 18 – Songs of Joy, Songs of Sorrow

O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you;
      my soul thirsts for you;
my flesh faints for you,
      as in a dry and weary land where there is no water.
So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary,
      beholding your power and glory.
Because your steadfast love is better than life,
      my lips will praise you.
So I will bless you as long as I live;
      in your name I will lift up my hands.
My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food,
      and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips,
when I remember you upon my bed,
      and meditate on you in the watches of the night;
for you have been my help,
      and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy.
My soul clings to you;
      your right hand upholds me. –Psalm 63.1-8

I sit in the back row of our sanctuary.  Our music team is preparing for the double header this Christmas Eve – Sunday morning for our weekly worship and Sunday evening for our annual candlelight service. 

The lyrics are so joyful. So glorious. So full and rich.

O come, all you unfaithful
Come, weak and unstable
Come, know you are not alone

O come, barren and waiting ones
Weary of praying, come
See what your God has done

Christ is born for you

O come, bitter and broken
Come with fears unspoken
Come, taste of His perfect love

O come, guilty and hiding ones
There is no need to run
See what your God has done

Christ is born for you

Or this:

Sing we the song of Emmanuel
This the Christ, who was long foretold
Lo in the shadows of Bethlehem
Promise of dawn now our eyes behold

God Most High in a manger laid
Lift your voices and now proclaim
Great and glorious, Love has come to us
Join now with the hosts of heaven

And this:

Eternal God
There at the beginning
Stepping into time, into the world
All for love, the infinite descending
To kick inside the womb of a girl

A king is born, far from any palace
Bending low to serve instead
Majesty, He’s given up his status
Robed in the weakness of the flesh

Unto us a child is born
Heaven coming down to earth
Joy to all the weary world
The human soul will feel it’s worth

These songs have a few things in common.  They are relatively new songs.  They are rich in their lyrics concerning who Jesus is and why he came to earth.  Ilona would have loved singing all of them. 

Christmas joy is almost synonymous with singing.  It is hard to think of the season without song.  And it is hard to hear good music and not think of Ilona.  She loved Christmas music.  But more than that she loved music that glorified God, proclaimed the gospel, and celebrated who we are in Christ.  I think that is why she loved good Christmas music. 

It is why it is so hard for Amy to listen to Christmas music.  It’s too much of a reminder of a missing joy, a missing voice, a missing celebrant.  I should say, it is hard for Amy to listen to Christmas music at home.  As I sit in the back row typing, she is in the front row, listening.  I know she is conflicted, but she is listening to two of her children and our whole music team sing Jesus’ praises.  Waiting for his blessing to flow far as the curse is found.

That is why I love Psalm 63.  David is dry. Weary. Thirsty. Longing. Yet he knows that God alone is his strength and satisfaction.  So he goes to the sanctuary, where he can look at God and be satisfied.

Joy and Longing

Hope and Sorrow

These are the essence of the Advent.

Advent 2023 – Dec 17

December 17 – Joy to the World… but When?

Oh sing to the LORD a new song,
      for he has done marvelous things!
His right hand and his holy arm
      have worked salvation for him.
The LORD has made known his salvation;
      he has revealed his righteousness in the sight of the nations.
He has remembered his steadfast love and faithfulness
      to the house of Israel.
All the ends of the earth have seen
      the salvation of our God.
Make a joyful noise to the LORD, all the earth;
      break forth into joyous song and sing praises!
Sing praises to the LORD with the lyre,
      with the lyre and the sound of melody!
With trumpets and the sound of the horn
      make a joyful noise before the King, the LORD!
Let the sea roar, and all that fills it;
      the world and those who dwell in it!
Let the rivers clap their hands;
      let the hills sing for joy together
before the LORD, for he comes
      to judge the earth.
He will judge the world with righteousness,
      and the peoples with equity. –Psalm 98

Joy to the world the Lord is come
Let earth receive her King
Let ev’ry heart prepare Him room
And heav’n and nature sing

Joy to the earth the Savior reigns
Let men their songs employ
While fields and floods rocks hills and plains
Repeat the sounding joy

No more let sins and sorrows grow
Nor thorns infest the ground
He comes to make His blessings flow
Far as the curse is found

He rules the world with truth and grace
And makes the nations prove
The glories of His righteousness
And wonders of His love –Isaac Watts

Today in church we sang this well-known and well-loved carol.  We will sing it again next Sunday in our evening candlelight service.  Strange how a hymn that looks forward to the return of Jesus as rightful king of all creation and based on Psalm 98 has been relegated to Christmas and Advent season. 

Although, I am grateful for this hymn and for its place in this season.  Joy to the World is a song I can sing without hesitation and without feeling like I am being dishonest with my grief and loss and darkness and sorrow.

The joy that I will feel when Christ comes and brings blessing that will overflow and outrun the curse and drive the curse out for good.  No more sin.  No more sorrow. No more thorns. I can sing today about that day without feeling as though I am in the midst of that blessing already.

The earth will be mended and will add her voice to the joyous celebration.  Rocks, hills, plains, fields, and floods will all sing for the redemption that is full and final when Christ returns.  I wonder what will be done with all the land being used for cemeteries when the new heavens and new earth are complete.  I can sing of that joy.

Every tongue and every tribe and every people and every nation will sing together of the glories of Christ’s righteousness and of truth and of grace, and the wonder that he would choose to love the likes of me. 

It is so much easier to sing of the future Joy that is in store for all of God’s children and all of God’s creation than to sing of my own faithfulness, joy, and triumph today. 

This is why Paul says that we who follow Christ and have been saved from our sin and sin’s curse by the death and resurrection of Jesus—we grieve the death of our loved ones, but not without hope.  The curse is broken.  The curse will be lifted.  The dead in Christ will rise again.  Joy to the world!

“For all creation is waiting eagerly for that future day when God will reveal who his children really are. Against its will, all creation was subjected to God’s curse. But with eager hope, the creation looks forward to the day when it will join God’s children in glorious freedom from death and decay.” –Romans 8.19-21

from our favorite artist, based on the promise in Romans 8.19-21

Advent 2023 – Dec 16

December 16 – Joy in the shadows

You have multiplied the nation;
      you have increased its joy;
they rejoice before you
      as with joy at the harvest,
      as they are glad when they divide the spoil. –Isaiah 9.3

Fear not, for behold, I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. –Luke 2.10

You make known to me the path of life;
      in your presence there is fullness of joy;
      at your right hand are pleasures forevermore. –Psalm 16.11

I realize that tomorrow is the lighting of the “joy” candle, but I thought I would borrow a bit from that topic this evening.  In years past this would be the most easy of topics to write about.  It is, after all, easier to see reasons for joy when they are piled up before you with no shadows falling across them, or at least very few. 

From that same psalm (16) we used to regular quote verse 6, “the lines for me have fallen in very pleasant places.”

They had.  They have.  But there is a larger shadow, a deep loss.  The Joys we experience now feel as if they take place in the valley of grief rather than on the hill top. 

My son turned 26 today.  My son-in-law will turn 22 on Tuesday.  We all gathered to celebrate.  My son brought his girlfriend.  We all met at a winery in Richmond.  We rented a small private tent.  We laughed a lot.  Our daughter is expecting our first grandchild.  All is going well with her pregnancy.  We had a very enjoyable time.  There’s that word.  Joy.  Enjoyable.   It is so hard t explain how there can be such true happiness in the moment and true sorrow in your heart for the missing person or people. 

We should not have fit in that tent.  They cap the occupancy at eight.  There should have been nine of us instead of the seven (8 with the baby). 

The increased joy promised by God through Isaiah was not merely a healthy home or a happy homelife.  It was not stability at work or longevity in working.  These are not sustainable sources of joy.  In fact, these can exist without any joy present. 

Joy promised by Isaiah is the joy announced by the angel, good news of great joy that will be for all people.  For people in grief.  For people in pain.  For people in deteriorating relationships. For people in darkness. 

I felt joy today.  Both the shadow of joy in the small celebrations of birthdays past, present, and future, and the reality of Joy in knowing each of my children, including Ilona, is known and loved by their Savior and source of true joy. 

Advent 2023 – Dec 15

December 15 – to pray or not to pray, that is the question

Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled; do not be afraid. –John 14.27

I was speaking with a dear friend about prayer in the midst of or the aftermath of suffering.  Her family is facing a second Christmas season of suffering as we are.  They had hoped last year would be the last year, but it was not.  They are back at square one in their trials and in many ways further back than square one. 

We spoke of prayer and crying out to God.  I had to admit, I am finding it hard to ask for anything from God.  It’s not that every prayer I ever prayed before was answered in the affirmative.  It’s just that some of the prayers I prayed were perfunctory.  What I was asking for wasn’t a strange or selfish request.  Give wisdom (what else would he give?).  Heal that relationship (why wouldn’t he?). Watch over her as she travels (of course he will?).  But I have learned through Ilona’s death that God sometimes says ‘no’ to things that seem so obviously good. 

My friend has been driven deeper into prayer even though she is unsure of God’s will and God’s plan.  She knows he listens and that is all that she can cling to right now.

Hers is the better path.  My personal and private prayers have been entirely prayers of thank you.  Thank you for specific good things.  Thank you for this meal.  Thank you for getting us through another day.  Thank you for getting us through another night.  Thank you for my daughters job, my son’s return to school, my daughter’s husband and new pregnancy.  But I could not bring myself to asking for anything.

That dam broke when my youngest told us she was pregnant.  I have not stopped praying for her, begging for God’s mercy and kindness and protection for her and the baby.  This has opened my heart to see how many I am desperate for God to care for.  Guide and protect my daughter.  Make her know your love and mine for her.  Be with my son as he returns to school and seeks to finish within a year.  Give him a desire to live for you in his new relationship.  Grant my wife sleep and rest.  Guard your church, Hope of Christ, even as I have been so disconnected this year.  Protect them.  Build them up. 

It’s as if a year’s worth of desires and wants and needs have built up.  I cannot stop. And yet, I do stop. I catch myself.  What will I do wit the next big no? 

My friend pointed out that the Lord’s prayer is a great guide when you have no idea what to pray. 

Father.  You’re my father.  You’re my family’s father. You’re Ilona’s father.
Make your name loved and cherished in my heart, in my home.
Bring your kingdom, sooner rather than later.
Give me what I need today, and help me to see you’ve given it already. And remind me to be grateful.
Forgive me for how many ways I am running from you, hiding from you, ignoring you.
Help me to forgive those who are hurting me, ignoring me, just not understanding me.
Deliver me from the evil one.  Deliver my loved ones from his lies.  Deliver my heart from his accusations. Deliver this world from his hands.
It’s your kingdom.  It’s your way.  Open my eyes to your goodness again. 

I love you, Lord.  Amen